By | fresh air, humor, inspiration

By | advice, humor

if you’re in a sports bar but don’t understand sports just keep repeating the phrase “damn they gotta get him the ball.” everyone will agree

By | fresh air, humor

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

By | humor

-Do you have any kids?

-Nah I’m more of a dog person.

By | humor

By | humor

“i was born in the wrong generation” i say as i steal my grandkids hoverboards because fuck you i was promised these years ago

By | fresh air, humor

“Don’t kid yourself” would be a great slogan for birth control pills

By | friends, humor

by day i am just a regular loser, by night i am the same loser only it’s nighttime

By | humor

i love birthdays they’re so motivational like if i can manage to keep myself alive for another year ill get money and cake

By | humor

this is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.

By | humor

Diane is stealing seats. Dump her ass in the ocean.

By | fresh air, humor, non sequitur

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like “I don’t know how to hold a pencil”

By | advice, fresh air, humor

Single and ready to reply with sarcastic remarks to any form of affection because that’s the only way I know how to mingle

By | fresh air, humor

We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn’t stay alive.

By | humor

reasons why babies are not needed

  • head to body ratio is uneven

  • when was last time baby contribute to dinner time conversation

  • baby unable to hunt for the clan

  • baby is slow and usually racist